RodrigoThe Spanish Tok'ra!
by Lee Davies
Summary: Madness...just...utter madness ensues when Jacob comes to get Jack back for a trick...SamJack with a little DanJan.


_Okay people...I'm apologizing in advance for this piece of madness that crept into my brain a few months ago! Mad props to Rose Stetson for helping me out with a couple things...enjoy!_

* * *

Jacob Carter stealthily crept through the corridors of the SGC. He had a wicked grin on his face, and he was avoiding all of the personnel, afraid of what they would say. Jack had tried to bait Jacob earlier into thinking that he and Sam were getting married, and Jacob had sworn that there would be blood spilt...of course, that was not going to be literal. He simply wanted to rough the old colonel up a bit!

The cooler was making his trip more difficult, but he was willing to suffer, if only to see all the chaos that would ensue after this...

Jacob reached Jack's living quarters and opened the cooler and took out the object. He placed it in the appropriate spot and left quickly.

* * *

The next morning, Jack awoke and went into the lab.

"Hi, Sir." Sam said.

"Hola, mujer bonita." He replied.

Janet stared at him.

"Uh, Sir, since when have you spoken a foreign language?"

Janet's elbow bumped into Sam's ribs to catch her attention.

"Ow, Janet, that hurt!" Sam said, rubbing her side.

"Estoy hablando espanol."

"Sounds like this Spanish speaking is a recent thing..." Janet mused.

Sam's eyes widened. "What did he say before that?"

"Trust me. You don't want to know."

"Yes, I do." Sam protested.

"As your friend and physician, I don't think it would be in the interest of Jack's health to tell you."

"That bad, huh?"

"Well, not exactly...bad..."

Sam sighed in exasperation. "What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hello beautiful woman.'"

Sam narrowed her eyes. "You're right. It's not in his best interests to have said that."

"Jack, have you been near the Ancient downloader again?" Janet asked, worried about the colonel.

"No." Jack answered.

"I understood that...Can't you speak in English, so I can understand everything?" Sam asked.

"No, luz de mis ojos." He replied, staring dreamily into her deep blue eyes.

Janet tried not to start giggling. "No, light of my eyes," she translated.

Sam punched him in the arm.

"Tu eres horible a mi, pero te amo."

Janet couldn't contain her mirth any longer and began to laugh. "You're horrible to me, but I love you."

The theoretical astrophysicist's eyes widened. "Sir, that's SO breaking regulations!"

"No me importa!" Jack said, flinging a hand in the air like a true latino.

"I don't care," Daniel supplied as he walked into the room as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

Janet and Sam started giggling.

"Ningun reir, Mayor!" said Jack.

Daniel took a second look at his surroundings when the ladies began laughing, and he turned to Janet. "Don't tell me that I just translated that without a second thought."

She put a hand over her mouth, "Okay, I won't."

"Did I?"

Sam nodded.

Daniel shook his head. "I have got to get out more..."

"No, tu crees?"

Daniel shot a look to the Spanish Jack. "Not another word out of you, Don Juan."

Jack's eyebrows shot up, and he smiled wickedly. "Buen idea, Daniel."

"Uh oh, I'm going to need more coffee..." Daniel said, rubbing his temples and pushing past the group toward the coffee machine.

He tried to leave the room, but Sam blocked the door. "Uh-uh, you are not going to leave me with a Sappy Spanish Soldier."

"That's a good alliteration, Sam. Keep working on it, I think you could be an English major..." He said, chuckling as he tried to get past.

"Oh no you don't," Janet warned. "I'm still not proficient enough to translate all that Jack is saying..."

"What?" Sam asked. "I thought you had a minor in Spanish."

"Where did you get that idea? I've been taking lessons from Dan..." Janet blushed, and Daniel began studying the ceiling with complete and utter interest.

"Lecciones mis nalgas." Jack said, under his breath.

"I agree with the Colonel on that one," Sam said as she observed her friends' embarrassed looks.

"You don't even know what he said..."

"Oh, I didn't have to. Your expressions were plenty for me..." Sam said with a giggle.

"Seriously, Sam, I have work to do..." Daniel said, begging for a way out of the insane lab.

"Llorame un rio." Jack said, snarkily.

Janet chuckled. "I think he's got your number, Daniel."

"What did he just say?" Sam said, fairly impatiently.

"Sorry," The doctor said. "he just said, 'cry me a river.'"

"Jack, why are you doing this? Don't you get enough attention by saving the world every other day or so?" Sam asked, cheekily.

"Yo creo que voy a llorar." Jack said, sadly.

"Sam, I think you hurt his feelings." Daniel said.

"More like I hurt his ego..." Sam muttered.

"Mi amor..." He pleaded.

"He said..."

"I know what he said, Janet." Sam said hastily.

"Sorry, I just got excited..."

Sam shot her a look and then walked up closer to Jack. "What happened to Colonel O'Neill? I'm serious now."

He got a hopeful look in his eye and bent down and whispered this in her ear. "Luna de mi cielo, me muero cuando no estoy cerca de ti."

Daniel looked at Janet, who had tears in her eyes, and shook his head. "Now, I know that's not Jack O'Neill."

"What did he just say?" Sam asked, breathless.

"Moon of my sky, I die when I'm not near you." Daniel parroted.

She cuffed Jack on the ear, as she began her inner monologue that she had been reciting ever since they met that fateful day in the briefing room... "He's my CO, and there are rules against this...He's so damn handsome...There are rules against this..."

Jack was not discouraged. "Estrella de la noche, escuchame. No quiero a vivir mi vida sobre ti."

Sam turned to Daniel, who now had tears in his eyes and Janet was outright bawling. "Star of the night, listen to me. I don't want to live my life without you."

Sam was about to take the hand that Jack was holding out in front of her when Jacob came strolling in.

"Ay, yi, yi! Esta su padre!" Jack cried, racing to find shelter behind the most pitiful thing he could find in the whole room...Daniel.

Selmak looked confused at the scene. "Colonel O'Neill, are you well?"

"Si, no estoy enfermo." Jack whispered, still cowering behind Daniel.

"Rodrigo! Eres tu?" Selmak cried, incredulously. "Jacob, you didn't..."

"What did my father do?" Sam asked, suspiciously. Suddenly, she wasn't too surprised at the fact that Jack was speaking a very flirtatious Spanish dialogue.

"Uh, Sam, just remember...when you dismember your father...I had NOTHING to do with this!" Selmak said, pleadingly.

"Dad, what did you do?" Sam asked in a dangerous tone.

Jacob immediately surfaced, much to his dismay. "What do you mean?" He asked, as sweetly as he could muster.

She started fuming. "Dad, I'm warning you..."

"I just put my friend, Rodrigo in his room. Rodrigo did the rest." Jacob said, wincing.

"Who's Rodrigo?" Daniel asked.

"He's one of the few Spanish Tok'ra we have. We made the mistake of blending him with a Spaniard."

Sam eyed her father. "What was this Spaniard's occupation?"

"Well, he was an actor...in some of the most famous Spanish plays...He often played..."

Jacob stopped talking, and tried to retract his statements, but he had pricked Sam's curiosity. "Dad, what roles did he play?"

"He was most famous for his stage role of 'Don Juan.'"

Sam smacked her hand against her forehead. "I cannot believe you, Dad...Why did you do that? Do you have any idea what Jack has been plaguing me with?"

"Sappy romantic spanish dialogue?" Jacob suggested.

"You have no idea..." Sam said, dryly.

"It was only a joke!" Jacob protested, backing away slightly from his angry daughter. "Selmak, help me!"

"You're on your own with this one, Jacob!"

"Plaguing, my foot." Daniel muttered. Sam gave him a death glare and Janet stepped on his foot.

"So help me Dad, I'm going to get you for this!"

Jack peered out from behind Daniel. "Su padre esta en la casa de perros."

"Yep, he is in the doghouse." the anthropologist replied, still trying to grasp the fact that his friend was speaking fluent Spanish.

"No quiero a ser el ahora!"

Janet snickered. "I don't want to be him right now either, Jack."

He smiled and Sam just happened to turn around and see it. "It's not him...it's not him..." she chanted.

"Rodrigo, necesitas salir." Selmak intoned.

"What did he say?" Sam asked.

"Rodrigo, you need to leave." Janet supplied.

"Por que? Me gusta ese hombre!" Rodrigo replied, pouting.

"Why? I like this guy." Daniel whispered, anticipating Sam's next question.

"Y yo tambien, pero no puede ser in su cuerpo...el no esta un aficionado del tok'ra"

"Huh?" Janet said, a puzzled expression on her face.

"And I too, but you can't be in his body...he's not a fan of the tok'ra." came the speedy reply from the resident language expert.

Rodrigo sighed, and nodded reluctantly. Jacob quickly brought the cooler into the lab and held it open. Rodrigo lept out of Jack's mouth as the man collasped and Jacob shut the lid, looking at Sam timidly.

"I guess I'll just be taking Rodrigo back with me and be on my merry way!" he said quickly.

While Janet was busy examining the unconscious Jack, Sam glared at her father.

"This is FAR from over, Dad!" she said quietly.

"I was afraid of that..." Jacob muttered.

As the two Carters left the lab bickering, Jack finally woke up.

"Uhh...where am I?" he asked, sounding quite disorientated.

"You're in Sam's lab...do you remember anything?"

Jack groaned and closed his eyes. "Yeah...I remember everything." he replied, a note of annoyance in his voice.

Daniel and Janet grinned. "Everything, huh?"

"Yeah, everything, so you can stop cackling like a bunch of old ladies." Jack growled, glaring at them.

Sam returned, her face a bright red in color.

"Daniel, let's go get a cup of coffee..." Janet said hurridly, rushing the anthropologist out the door. He didn't protest.

The two remaining people looked at each other, and neither wanted to say anything. Taking the bull directly by the horns, Sam spoke first.

"Sir, about the whole 'Rodrigo' thing..."

"Mi nombre es Jack...no esta 'sir', y no nescesito un tok'ra para hablando espanol." he replied, a devilish smile spreading over his face.

She gaped at him, unable to string a coherent sentance together.

"Wha...what?" she asked.

"I said that my name is Jack, not sir, and I don't need a tok'ra for speaking Spanish."

Narrowing her eyes at him, she asked cautiously, "Was it really Rodrigo doing everything?"

"If you mean was it Rodrigo saying all of those things to you, yes, it was...if it had been me, I could have come up with something _much _better." Jack scoffed.

"Like what?" Sam challenged.

Turning away from Jack, she couldn't believe she had just said that.

Two hands were on her shoulder and a voice spoke near her ear.

"Mi corazon esta su corazon...cuando te duele, me duele...cuando estas ten miedo, estoy ten miedo...yo necesito una solo persona de mi vida...tu."

"It sounds beautiful...what did you say?" Sam asked, slightly breathless from Jack's proximity.

"My heart is your heart...when you hurt, I hurt...when you're afraid, I'm afraid...I only need one person in my life...you."

They stared into each other's eyes, unaware that Daniel, Janet, and General Hammond were watching from the window outside.

"Looks like I don't need to tell them about the memo." he chuckled.

"What memo, sir?" Janet asked.

He handed her a piece of paper that said, "**THE FRAT REGS ARE NO MORE... COLONEL O'NEILL, GET OFF YOUR REAR AND JUST ASK MAJOR CARTER OUT ALREADY, WILL YOU?"**

Grinning, Daniel took the piece of paper from the general and taped it to the window. Tapping the glass, he smirked as his friends turned around and saw it. Their faces were absolutely priceless and Daniel was happy he had his camera to catch the moment.

Jack blinked and shook his fist at Daniel, who was already starting to run away. Turning his attention back to Sam, he asked, "Dinner with me tonight?"

"I'll have to think about it." she replied sassily.

He leaned in and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her and holding her against him. Her hands found their way to his shoulders and she held on to him.

Breaking off the kiss, Jack touched his forehead to hers. "What about now?" he asked, a twinkle in his eye.

"Sure..." she replied, still a bit breathless.

"I'll pick you up at 7." he said.

"YES!" Daniel cried. "I get money!" he sang as he began to dance around.

"What's all the fuss? It's just going to go into one joint bank account anyway." Janet said, rolling her eyes.

General Hammond looked at them, raising one eyebrow.

Daniel flushed. "I asked Janet to marry me and she said yes."

"Congradulations...just remember that George makes a great middle name..." the general said, a cheeky note in his voice.

While the new couple groaned over this, General Hammond made his way to his office and made a phone call.

"Ted? It's George...time for everybody to pay up!"


End file.
